The first Cutty's the deepest
Merrow 2nd XI 135 all out (42.4 overs) (P.Bailey 3-35, R.Robinson 2-8, D.Steedman 2-12). Isambard 136-1 (22.3 overs) (D.Bywater 54 not out, R.Gardiner 38 not out, G.Cutmore 36). Isambard won by nine wickets.
Of all the players the have graced the lumpy turf of other clubs' grounds whilst playing for Isambard, Grant "Cutty, the Ginger Hurricane" Cutmore is among the greats (although perhaps I do use the word 'great' loosely. How loosely? As loose as Abi Titmuss's fanny).
With the demon-fast bowler's name on the team sheet (I'm referring to Cutty, not the flexibly-flapped Titmuss) the Isambard skipper knows that as long as he can keep the Hurricane well- lubricated with lager, he has at his disposal an opening bowler in the side who is capable of taking wickets. Throw in a touch of inventive willow-wielding and a surprisingly high level of co-ordination while fielding, and you have a fantastic cricketer, not to mention a top bloke who has never been guilty of jug-avoidance. Keith Williams summed it up when he lamented, "Cutty, we'll miss you, mate." Indeed we will. Although Isambard's demolition of Merrow was a team effort, the Red Devil's bowling was fast, accurate and extraordinarily economical - 10 overs, four maidens, one wicket for just 10 runs.
With memories of last year's bore draw in the forefront of his Michael Vaughan-like mind, skipper Steedman cannily instructed the kit-carrying Adam Malin to arrive late, forcing Merrow to bat first (who the hell elects to bowl first when you win the toss?). No sooner had the Merrow batsmen placed their boxes down their Y-fronts then Malin Jnr drove up to the ground with the kit in the boot of his car - one of the best pieces of timing ever by an Isambard player.
Isambard's bowlers were miserly, strangling the occasional Merrow attempts at scoring yet taking wickets at regular intervals. It was only when Malin Jnr came on with the intention of allowing Merrow to set a reasonable target did the scoreboard start to tick over (his three overs went for 26). The fielding was generally excellent, with Rich Gardiner demonstrating his versatility. First, Sir Rich took a brilliant catch at first slip, knocking the ball up to himself, juggling it twice, and then triumphantly falling to his right with the cherry firmly in his grasp. To follow, Sir Rich decided that he would try to field a ball at short cover Matrix-style - a slow motion attempt to fall on the ground while the ball trickled under his arse.
New boy Richard Robinson almost took a hat trick on debut, coming within a bee's dick of an LBW decision on the hat trick ball. A fine effort. Terror suspect and police-abuser Paul al-Bailey targeted the Merrow batsmen with his own personal jihad, terrorising them with his explosive spin-bowling and taking the day's best figures of 3-35. Skipper Steedman and Scotty "Windscreens" O'Brien were also successful.
Set a meagre target of 136, the Hurricane strode out to open the batting with Sir Rich "where's my mattress to fall on in slow motion while fielding?" Gardiner. In an effort to get to the bar post-haste, Cutty smacked his first ball to the midwicket boundary with contempt. With the prospect of an early finish and more drinking time on the cards, Cutty continued his slogarama, hitting eight fours in his 36. His innings only came to a close thanks to a dodgy LBW given by Malin Jnr. Not wishing to be outdone, Dave "he's the daddy" Bywater continued the run fest - his first scoring shot was a six - eventually smacking six fours and three sixes in his unbeaten 54. Never one to miss an average-topping-up opportunity, Sir Rich ended up on 38 not out.
The game was over by roughly 6pm, leaving the team more than ample time to sample the local brew and for the WAGs to start a petition to ban the use of the acronym. Ideas for its replacement include: HAGs - husbands and girlfriends; WOGs - wives or girlfriends; BAGs - boyfriends and girlfriends; or FAGs - friends and girlfriends. Suggestions on a postcard.
Match report by Mark Wembridge.
