Defeat for firsts, but it's Sawbridgeworth it in the end
Isambard 224 all out (44.3 overs) (D.Bywater 79, R.Gardiner 64, S.Johnston 20, S.Treloar 20). Sawbridgeworth 227-6 (37.2 overs) (D.Treloar 2-4, L.Gray 2-20). Sawbridgeworth won by four wickets (45-over game).
We were promised big things at Sawbridgeworth from their unofficial ambassador Ray Collins. A beautiful ground (possibly the most scenic in Britain), a good bunch of blokes, well-stocked bar with award-winning buxom barmaids, and a good standard of cricket. Could the reality possibly live up to the rant?
'Twas a beautiful sunny afternoon when we arrived eager to prove ourselves once more. The first disappointment was the discovery that the bar was not open, but in every other way the ground lived up to its billing. The designated start time of 1.30 rolled around, and in true ICC fashion we had all of 4 players present - none of whom were remotely ready to play. Never fear though, because as the echoes of the coin toss reverberated around the ground a contingent of Aussies, easily identifiable by the fact they were kicking a red Sherrin around the outfield, arrived. Skipper Collins delivered the news - we were batting, and it was 45 overs each, news which was greeted with trepidation by all except Sir Rich who's eyes lit up as he calculated how many more balls that meant he could face.
Sir Rich & Roxy wandered out to open the batting, and it soon became apparent that the wicket was akin to a pair of fake tits - they look good from a distance, but once you finally get to experience them you find them hard, lifeless and they don't bounce. After a period of steady progress against a tight opening attack, the runs started to flow more freely, with Sir Rich teasing the slip cordon with a series of deftly placed edges, and the fifty partnership coming up in the 13th over.
The change bowlers came on, and turned out to be even faster than the openers. However, Roxy decided it was time to increase the tempo, and brought up his fifty shortly after with a punch down the ground. The fielding team, searching for the breakthrough, implored the bowlers to bowl "on leg and off", wherever that is. Despite uprooting Sir Rich's middle stump after he'd backed away because the umpire moved his arm brushing away a fly, and having Roxy caught off a no ball he called himself, the first wicket refused to fall. (The bar was still closed, so why would they get out?). Drinks were taken with 103 on the board.
Geoff Boycott likes to say that when assessing your position while batting, you should add two wickets to the score. I wonder if he ever played for Isambard, because it was about now that news came through that two of our players, having been out on the sauce all night and consequently spending an hour at the wrong train station looking for a train that didn't exist, had instead gone home to bed and wouldn't be showing up.
At this point spin was introduced, with immediate effect. After despatching one ball over the scoreboard never to be seen again, Roxy tried to repeat the shot and was well caught for 79. Ric Firth was next man in, announcing that he'd been given a licence by the skipper to play his shots, which for my mind is akin to giving Britney Spears a licence to flash her minge. It's going to happen anyway, so why bother asking? After a couple of lusty blows he found himself castled, as did skipper Collo shortly after.
Simon "Trigger" Treloar posted a well-made 20, before becoming the third player in a row to be bowled by Rudkin. Meanwhile, Sir Rich had got himself to fifty, with a wagon wheel that can be best described as akin to looking at a clock when the time is roughly 5:25. Freeing himself at last, he finally found the middle of the bat, despatching a couple of balls through square. Alas, he was then despatched LBW to a ball that by all reports had pitched on the aforementioned leg and off and was hitting middle. With overs fast running out, Steve Johnston flayed some meaty blows in a quickfire 20, and Mick Allwell on debut thumped his second ball for 6. Three stumpings at the death left Isambard 224 all out in the final over, with home skipper Rudkin taking seven of the eight wickets to fall.
Fielding with nine was always going to be a tough assignment on a lightning-fast outfield, but the boys were full of enthusiasm. Enjoying fielding on a surface more like a bowling green than a cow paddock, there were dives aplenty, spectacular attempts at plucking the ball, one handed pickups & throws - it was like watching the Windies of 1983. Lachlan "Gruff" Gray and Trigger opened the bowling, with the captain declaring "I have no idea if these guys can bowl, but let's find out". Turns out they can - Gruff in particular bowled a consistent line and was rewarded by two wickets. The first was caught by Collo soaring like Jordan at cover, albeit more Katie Price than Michael. The second was a steepling pull shot which Dave "Double Trigger" Treloar nestled under and poached despite the mouthy non-striker screaming "he's going to drop it". Nice to see the spirit of cricket is alive and well. 
Captain Collins and his catch
From there it was all downhill. Captain Collins was like the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dyke, so to speak (Just as well Wembridge hasn't written this - Ed.), trying to plug all the leaks. It was to no avail; nine fielders meant there were more gaps than the Zimbabwe shadow cabinet. He rang the changes and went through the full bowling line up. Collo himself found he had just enough pace to make scoring a simple matter of easing the ball past the fielders. Roxy tried bowling a length far too short for his pace. Firth and Johnston even resorted to trying their hands at off-spin for the first time in either of their lives. Much to Johnston's surprise he turned one and hit the off stump to remove the opener nicknamed "Tombstone".
Mick Allwell dismissed top scorer Marshall with his third ball - he'd earlier been dropped by Gruff in the deep after Gruff forgot that a cricket ball is about 1/20th the size of an AFL ball, and was thus surprised to find himself being whacked on the shoulder. Hopes that Mick might be the all-rounder we were looking for faded when he was whacked for twenty in four balls, and it was all but game over.
With nothing left to lose, Collo threw the ball to Double Trigger, whom his brother had assured us has about as much bowling talent as Amy Winehouse has self-control. Imagine our surprise when four balls later he had two wickets and family bragging rights. To the credit of the Sawbridgeworth batsman, they refused to score the remaining few runs with any semblance of comfort or control, determining that unless they were scored with a reverse sweep they didn't count at all. Finally one such attempt was edged just out of reach of keeper Sir Rich for four, and it was truly game over. Sir Rich endured a torrid time behind the stumps on a wicket where a ball that bounced shin high was considered a steepler, and the fact that the winning runs were signalled byes didn't help his mood.
As we sauntered back to the pavilion, the good news was the bar was (finally) open, so we set to making up for lost time and ensuring ourselves a return invitation by drinking all of their cheapest lager before staggering off into the night. Ahhh, happy days.
Match report by Dave Bywater.
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